I know I am not the same as I was nine years ago.  Not just in my physical appearance, but in my personality as well.  When Nee-san died, I hated myself so much.  I tried so hard to not think about her death because... I thought maybe there was this slim hope that my sister's soul wasn't trapped inside the barrow.  I wanted her soul to pass on, and not be tied to this world because I wouldn't let her go.

.. and I wanted to change.  After Nee-san died, I couldn't even look in the mirror anymore because I never saw myself.  I couldn't wear the clothings she made for me because it just hurt so much.  Everything I did reminded me of her and the man who killed her.  I had to move... so I left our apartment.

  I tried so hard to erase who I was, yet I could never deny the existence of my past self.  I tried so hard to be stronger... anything that would make me forget all the horrors of my past... I wanted to change.   So I fooled everyone.. misled them.  I adopted a philosophy that as long as my past identity isn't acknowledged by other people, then my past self doesn't exist.  No one will ever know... no one will ever care.

  But I couldn't forget.  Even though I had become two distinct people, I just couldn't forget my past.  I couldn't forget that original part crying inside of me.

Subaru

NEWS BULLETIN!!

The news you’ve been waiting to hear: the Sakurazukamori's great long-reigning legacy has finally, at last, been given to someone who knows what to do with it...and the successor is none other /than ........THE /KAMUI/.

Yes you read right. The Sakurazukamori has been 0wn3d.On October 11, 2005, 9:52 PM, in a faceoff over a discussion of whose Uke could kick who's Uke's ass at the dinner table (Shirou obviously) that became overly heated, in a valiant and noble move, the /Kamui/ speared the Sakurazukamori through the chest with a sharpened Pocky stick.

All witnesses went on eating their imported cinnamon-flavored Cheerios and milk calmly. Blood spurted in copious amounts from the Sakurazukamori, splashing onto the kitchen floor, as the once-great assassin begged for his life. The great and mighty /Kamui/--

*cough*

*thump*

..Thank you Fuuma, I appreciate it. Contrary to the news bulletin however, the Sakurazukamori has not befallen any mortal danger, let alone death by Pocky.Fuuma also didn’t mention that he eventually ended up at the hospital with an entire carton of strawberry Pocky in his stomach. Let it not be said that the Sakurazukamori will let himself be Pocky-Poked.

On the other hand, I do have a bit of a cold *holds tissue to nose* caught a nasty one, I’m afraid, from Yuuto, and between the both of us, we’re fast using the tissue supply of the house. It’s been quite annoying. My immune system has weakened lately, from lack of exercise.But the Sakurazukamori line has endured many legendary strains of the common cold and come out from the mountain of used tissues ever stronger…

*sneeze*

Ah, but the season is getting much colder, and the air is getting brisk. Soon, everything will turn orange.How romantic.But the world is not the only thing getting colder—my Subaru-kun is as well.

*wipes nose*

Breakfast is silent, and even over my famous omelet, Subaru-kun doesn’t say a word some mornings. Of course, I’m used to this. Subaru-kun is so easy on the eyes that I don’t mind. I look at him or I read the newspaper and drink my coffee or smoke. But lately, he’s been declining my invitations to go out, and when I return, he’s not there.

It seems that Subaru-kun is still running. Though his body is in my presence, his spirit is elsewhere. Sometimes he turns towards me with a silent question in those unearthly green eyes, and before I can answer, he turns away and leaves the room.

I have to admit after all these years... the intrigue still exists..

*sneeze*

Ahh, Nyquil.

Time to pass out.

-the Sakurazukamori

No, I do not blame the world for the way I am.  Though the Sakurazukamori is a major factor, I cannot even blame him.  I blame myself.  My inability to cope and have confidence in myself is part of my major flaw, aside from my never ceasing regret that is always ready to jump and stab at me a few thousand times before I finally calm down-- but that's probably the cause of my lack of self-confidence.  This has always been a problem for me ever since my adolescent years.  I say this a few times, I cannot be angry with the Sakurazukamori anymore, but I can never forgive him... I think that's quite understandable.

I am always standing at the very tip of a mountain, trying not to allow my overwhelming emotions consume me and push me over.  I keep telling myself, "It'll be better as time goes on... it'll be better as time goes on..." but "it" will always be there.  My cursed pendulum of emotions that I try so hard but cannot control continually rocks back and forth.  My face can be as cold as ice but my insides are in chaos and war.

It'll be better as time goes on...

....

...I think.

Subaru

  Seishirou never saw me for who I was.  He molded me into his ideal toy and threw me away.  I meant nothing.  I always thought, how can you do this to a person?  How can you never turn around and look at the trails you left behind?  He walks down his path slowly, taunting me to follow.  I have given up on myself.  I seem useless.  I've always thought he understood me, and accepted all my flaws, strengths, and weaknesses.  In the end, I was all wrong... entirely wrong.  I've learned that I cannot trust anybody.

Subaru

  *smiles wearily* Why does everyone get so excited when I update?  It's interesting to think about.  Thank you for all your support... really.

  I'll admit you're around, Hokuto-chan.  It's just.. a bit... awkward. It's been a few years... I really don't know what to say.  I don't know if I can ever stop being like this, it's just who I am-- who he made me become.  My entries have actually made people more worried than my not updating at all.  In reality, no one should be worried, because I am not attempting suicide like everyone thinks.

  If my entries are actually worrying people more, then I really don't know what to write about.  I only type what is in my mind.  I... I don't want my entries to bother people.

Subaru